Was it worth it

Now that I'm almost finished with my studies, I'm starting to wonder if it really has been worth it. 5 years of my life, and where did it really take me? I'm half a decade older, but none the wiser. Perhaps. I will be paying back my loans for years and years, but did I really gain anything from this? I'm thinking no. I am still doing the same jobs as 5 years ago. The jobs I wanted to get away from. It doesn't seem that I would be getting any better job, from my own area, any time soon.
I'm probably not any happier. At the moment at least. I have less friends, and I'm more bored than ever.
So why did I do this in the first place anyway. It seemed like a good idea, I wanted to get out, break the cycle, do something else. I knew I probably wouldn't get a job, but still I was hoping. I was sick and tired of being always without money. And where am I now, I have never actually been this broke.
I'm even thinking of quitting the school to be able to pay my bills.
So this really doesn't feel like being worth it, at all.

A friend asked me some time ago, "why don't you marry me and we'll move into a tiny island?" I'm starting to think it's not such a bad idea. I might be happy there, at least happier than I'm right now here. Enjoying the simple things. I would need internet though.

'on top of the world'    La Mola, 2011

November darkness

And so started the second week in my new job.  For sure I know this isn't what I want to do, although it isn't as bad as I thought. But I'm not sure how long I can keep on doing this.

The days are getting darker, the weather is getting colder. I barely see the sunlight any more. I'm so tired all day. 8 hours a day sitting in an office doing something I don't like, and when I get home I just want to sleep. I know I should be doing something but I just can't be bothered.

I miss my friends, I have no one to talk to. I guess the person I talk most to nowadays is my mom. We talk like once a week. I try to find things to do so that I wouldn't get stuck at home. But then finally I won't do anything. And basically I won't get any money until net year, so it's not making anything easier. As if this town wasn't boring enough, there's really nothing to do without money.

My friend is getting married in a month or so. I'm happy for her, I knew they would get married soon.
I feel even more alienated from all the people than before. Most of the people I know are either getting married and making babies, or just getting drunk. I don't feel like I belong to either of those worlds, so I'm somewhere in between, and seem to be all alone. Everyone else's lives are going forward, and I feel I just took a big leap backwards. I came back to my past, but it isn't here anymore, of course. What the hell am I doing here really.

So I started painting. I have had an empty canvas on my wall for years now I guess. It was too big to put anywhere, so there it was, on my kitchen wall, empty, reminding me that I never get anything done. I don't know now if I will ever actually finish it. But at least I started.
I stopped photographing. Since there's nothing to photograph. I kind of wish it would snow, so I would have something to photograph, even though I hate snow.

Anyway I have like a million photos to retouch from the past 4 months, so I don't really even need any more material.
I should start thinking seriously about my final project. If I ever plan to get it done, I should start already. It just feels too big of a mission right now. But I will, tomorrow.. Or next week. You know.

New beginning. Again.

A blog that was meant to be kind of an online diary during my exchange studies.

I never found the time to write the posts and upload the photos. My life seemed to take all my time. And I felt fine with that.

Now I'm back. Back in Finland, and back with the blog. I seem to get an inspiration to write a blog every now and then, but then I just get lazy and can't be bothered to do the posts. For that reason I also have several blogs, most of them are photo-related. I never deleted them and I still plan to update them every now and then. Whenever I feel like it.
Let's see how this one goes.

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So, almost a month in Finland now, after over a year in Barcelona.
What can I say, this doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel like home. Of course I missed my flat,

I missed my family, I missed being able to talk so that everyone actually understands me.

But now, being here, makes me feel there's a big part of my life missing. Of course it's also this time of year, cold, dark, depressing... But I feel like a part of me is slowly dying here. I feel so uninspired, my life is missing all the colors.

I miss Barcelona. I miss the mountains, I miss the sea. I miss the parks and lovely small streets to get lost in. I miss my friends and my awesome adventures with them. I miss the misunderstandings with the lovely people with so many nationalities. And I miss the crazy catalans.

It's not easy to get used to the finnish customs again. And food, and coffee. Yuck. The darkness is overwhelming, and I'll never get used to the cold again.
And oh my goodness, I miss all the beautiful things around me! This lousy town I'm living in really isn't much of a beauty. I'm such a visual person, I need pretty things, to keep me happy and vibrant. And there is just nothing here. I need art s

hows, photo exhibitions, concerts, random acts of art in the middle of streets.

This winter is going to be so hard. I really need to fight so that the darkness of this all won't swallow me completely.

"paradise city", Tarragona